It takes someone really brave to be a mother, someone strong to raise a child and someone special to love someone more than herself. You are the true unsung heroes. You are the cultivators, the teachers and role models of the future before us. We lead by our own example and unfortunately so many of us leave ourselves behind for the sacrifice of our children and families. Finding a healthy balance between family, work and personal time can be very challenging. 

Many mothers feel insecure, undervalued, most are underpaid, overworked, overlooked, frazzled, misunderstood, isolated and feel perpetual self doubt and guilt.  For many perfectionism nips at our heels and hearts on a daily basis. Mother’s do hard things, and unbelievable things.  We’ve all heard true stories of mothers lifting cars,  running into burning buildings, working 3 jobs,etc,  to save their child, and many of us thankfully have never had to do this, but with the extra strains and pressures of the pandemic 70% of the mother’s who come to see are suffering with exhaustion by simply trying to be super mom’s.  

We all want to be good to our kids and make good choices for them to help them carve out a bright future, but what i see happen to often is what is at the core of the drive sometimes is aiming for perfection.

And when we inevitably fail at being 100% for our kids all the time, we’re really hard on ourselves. We feel guilty and shameful, overwhelmed and burned out, anxious and depressed, or all of the above.

We think perfectionism will make us the best moms for our kids. But perfectionism rarely serves us the way we hope it will.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism in motherhood is the comparison of ourselves to something or someone else—usually regarding our parenting choices. 

It often comes from a should mindset. Our standards are built by what we think we should be doing as moms. And those shoulds come from a lot of places:

  • Our own moms, including trauma they pass to us
  • Our own self-image outside of motherhood
  • Other family members’ experiences and opinions
  • Societal pressures
  • Social media

Just like the roots of perfectionism can be different for each person, the way it presents in our daily lives can be different, too. Take these scenarios for example:

All of the attention might be focused on our children, there’s a strong need to do everything right based on an idea of what each mom thinks she should be doing to give her kiddo the best life possible.

Now, when things don’t go according to plan—we really feel the effects of our perfectionism. We might:

  • Punish ourselves
  • Call ourselves hurtful names
  • Tell ourselves we’re inadequate
  • Think our kids would be better off with someone else
  • Overcompensate and become more rigid in our expectations
  • Over give with presents and don’t ever say no

Retreat and isolate from our support systems

  • All of this  can quickly become a larger problem, and add extra stress not only to ourselves but to our own children as well. Not only setting ourselves up for failure but also setting our children up unrealistic expectations. 

In short, perfectionism is terrible for us. But we often just push through, continuing these thought patterns and behaviors because we think it will benefit our kids somehow. But in reality, our perfectionism is bad for them, too.

How Perfectionism Affects Kids

Research shows that kids with parents struggle with perfectionism, may experience social, emotional, and cognitive delays. When they have perfectionist parents, kids may also be more likely to experience:

  • Self-criticism
  • Depression and anxiety
  • Symptoms of ADHD
  • Poor coping strategies
  • Decreased soft skills, like responsibility and conscientiousness
  • Their own perfectionism

This isn’t meant to be alarmist or pessimistic.  I give you this information only to empower you so that you become aware of these tendencies. Power is knowledge and making a conscious effort be easy on yourself will automatically reflect on how you handle your children. It can be really tough to do things for ourselves. Sometimes changing our behavior for others, especially for the benefit of our kids, is easier. I did, as soon as I became aware of some of my perfectionistic tendencies that I had carried with me from childhood trauma, everything changed. Almost overnight. I became very connected to my feelings of anxiety and my over giving tendencies and started to give myself a break. I was like that mother who saved her children from a burning car. I had to do it for them, if I couldn’t do it for myself.  There was no option but to change and I was leading by example. If they could see me adopt a better way of living , more loving attitude towards myself then they could do the same thing and learn too.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself,  and my children reaped the rewards of having a mother who was living in the present moment and living for herself instead of trying to keep up with  unrealistic self imposed and socially imposed expectations of perfection. 

Five Tips for Interrupting Perfectionism

#1 PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION.

Dr. Kristin Neff pioneered the concept of self-compassion and its effect on perfectionism. Self-compassion is when you provide yourself with the utmost kindness, support, and empathy when you experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, or imperfection.

The first step is to recognize when you need self-compassion. Start to pay attention to your feelings, without judgment. If you notice you feel inadequate, defeated, or self-critical, take a moment. Allow yourself to fully feel those completely natural and common feelings, and simply say (out loud, if it helps), “I am feeling X, Y, or Z.”

That will be your cue to practice self-compassion. Try thinking about how you would approach a friend in the same situation. If a friend or loved one came to you as they were feeling particularly self-critical, what would you do? Would you berate, belittle, and criticize them for their mistakes? Or would you offer a listening ear, support, kindness, empathy, nonjudgmental advice, and a reminder that mistakes are a part of being human?

You deserve the same treatment you would give to that friend or loved one. As you continue to practice, ultimately finding other ways to perceive a situation and cope with these negative feelings, self-compassion will become second nature.

#2 USE AFFIRMATIONS.

Every day, write down some positive traits about yourself that have nothing to do with your success or role as a mom. Being a parent is hard, so reminding yourself that you have incredible, unique qualities outside of motherhood can help you realize you’re still a wonderful, capable person even on your worst parenting days. And on days when all self-confidence goes out the window, you’ll have a tangible list to read. 

#3 TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.

Taking time for yourself reminds you that you’re important, too. (Because you are!) Enjoy a hobby you had pre-baby, find a new relaxing activity, call a friend, take a walk, catch up on your favorite show, read a book… whatever calms you and fills your cup.

#4 EMBRACE A “GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER” MENTALITY.

The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing that you can’t be everything all the time and that’s more than OK. 

#5 BOOK A SESSION FOR BIOFEEDBACK SESSION .

Perfectionism tells us things have to be one way or the other—all or nothing. But life hardly ever works that way. BIOFEEDBACK therapy can help pinpoint the affected areas of stress in the brain and nervous system that cause these black-and-white thought patterns and help provide stress releases in the body to activate the body’s own healing response.  

Contact me to book your appointment, you and your family deserve it. Life is supposed to be fun for you and your family.

 

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